1er janvier 2009 - Conclusion

En dépit de son indifférence, elle fit un léger retour sur moi : je ne parlais pas bien et j’étais laid. 

_ Comme vous comprenez tout ça monsieur Raspe.
_ J’ai de l’amitié pour vous deux.
_ Oui, et nous aussi. Il vous estime, bien que…
_ Bien qu’il me trouve idiot, fis-je en riant.
_ Non, pas idiot. Mais il voudrait que vous soyez avec nous.
_ Bah j’y suis à ma manière. Chacun fait son affaire.
Je me levais.
Mais quelques jours après, les choses allaient plus mal, bien plus mal. Je rencontrai Joos. Sa figure se durçit. Je compris pourquoi.
_ Je vais voir Barbera, de temps en temps.
_ Je sais, vous faites bien.
_ Elle est malheureuse, mais qu’est ce que vous voulez?
_ Elle vous a fait des confidences.
_ Oh non, mais le chagrin lui sort.
_ Vous trouvez que je suis un salaud ? 
_ Pas du tout. Il n’y a aucune raison pour que vous étouffiez votre nature.
_ Mais je l’étouffe, elle.
_ Il faut bien que quelqu’un soit étouffé. Ou bien l’on s’étouffe, soi, ou bien on étouffe les autres.
Il ne regardait étonné et un peu vexé.
_Comment pouvez-vous comprendre tout cela, ainsi? Vous êtes un chrétien, vous êtes pour le sacrifice.
_ Je suis pour que se sacrifient ceux qui ont envie de se sacrifier. C’est tout, pas les autres.
_ Mais vous préférer ceux qui se sacrifient.
_ Non. Voyez vous, Joos, j’ai beaucoup appris ici, c’est pour ça que je suis revenu. Je comprends beaucoup mieux - je le comprenais déjà un peu avant - comment il y a si peu de gens pour embrasser la vie qui me fascinent. Il y a ceux qui sont pour la vie de tous les jours, ils ont leurs raisons, et je vois mieux les beautés de ces raisons, et les autres, les quelques autres, qui sont pour une autre vie, une vie qui ramasse tous les jours dans un seul jour.
_ Mais moi…
_ Vous, vous êtes entre les deux. Vous êtes penchés sur la vie quotidienne des hommes, sur leurs passions - et vous voulez vous en tenir là et qu’on s’en tienne là - et pourtant…
_ Pourtant?
_ Pourtant, et c’est ce qui vous rapproche de moi, vous vous efforcez de concentrer ces passions en une seule passion. Ce qui fait que finalement les jours des hommes ne feraient qu’un seul jour. Ce que je voudrais que chaque âme fasse, vous voudriez que toutes les âmes, fondues en une seules âme, le fassent. C’est un peu la même chose.
_ Un peu.
Je me disais que lui faisais trop de concessions, quand même. Certes, je croyais tout ce que je lui disais, il était le produit sincère de mon expérience à Hoeuvre, mais je croyais aussi autre chose, quelque chose de plus éloigné, de plus raffiné. 
_ C’est presque la même chose, et ce n’est pas du tout la même chose, ajoutais-je donc.
J’hésitai, mais j’étais un peu entraîné par mon éloquence. Il faut dire et c’est fort difficile à dire, c’est pourquoi tout ce récit est si inefficace, que je parlais encore un français difficile, raboteux : cela me gênait aussi beaucoup dans mes prêches. Entraîné, je continuais.
_ Je voudrais vous expliquer cela, Joos; je voudrais que vous me prêtiez un peu d’attention.
_ Allez-y.
_ Voilà, vous ne regardez que les hommes. Mois je regarde les hommes et la nature. Il n’y a que les hommes et que la nature, telle que nous la connaissons, dans l’univers… Il y a des forces, des vertus en nous, qui correspondent à des choses qui sont au-delà de nous. C’est cela qui m’intéresse, et je voulais voir si cela intéressait aussi quelques-uns parmis vous.
_ Quoi? Dieu? 
_ Bah, si le mot vous gêne, je n ‘y tiens pas du tout. Pas du tout, Joos, contrairement à ce que vous croyez. D’ailleurs, je m’exprime mal, malhabilement, car j’emploie encore ce vocabulaire religieux, qui vous effraie, non sans raison. Je dis : au-delà, ça vous effraie. Mais si je dis : en deça? Bah ça vous effraiera encore. Je veux dire pourtant ceci : Il y a en nous quelque chose que rien ne peut satisfaire, ni l’homme, ni la femme (et c’est pourquoi vous trompez Barbera, si vainement car vous la retrouverez chez les autres, en dépit de l’ivresse du changement, n’est ce pas?), ni le fer, ni le charbon, ni les arbres, ni les étoiles, ni Dieu (c’est pourquoi vous vous méfiez du mot, non sans raison). C’est cette insatisfaction qui m’intéresse. Or, quand… 
_ Bah, tout cela c’est de la folie, du délire. Bien sûr, il y a en nous de la folie. J’ai connu ça. C’est comme quand on se saoule et qu’on fait trop la noce, trop l’amour. Il faut repousser ça. Sans ça, c’est le désespoir. Non, il faut s’en tenir à ce qui est là, sous notre main, à ce qu’on peut réaliser.
_ Certes, on peut réaliser beaucoup.
_ Et plus on réalise, plus c’est merveilleux.
_ Certes, Joos, vous réalisez quelque chose.
Je m’égarai dans la rêverie.
_ Vous êtes entre un saint et un artiste une espèce d’homme. Comme Robert. Un saint ne peut être qu’un artiste.
Je restai bouche bée. Il me secoua la main avec inquiétude et mécontentement.
_ Qui est Robert ? Qu’est ce que vous me chantez? Je ne suis ni un saint ni un artiste. 
_ Vous êtes sur cette double voie. Quant à moi…
Je m’en allai un peu brusquement, le laissant dégoûté de moi, scandalisé.

 

 

Extrait de :  Mémoires de Dirk Raspe de Pierre Drieu La Rochelle  Gallimard

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